Demystifying Neurodivergence and Therapy

If you’re neurodivergent (ND) you might be considering therapy to help you deal with challenges or just to help you make sense of the world.

As a neurodivergent counsellor myself, I hope to demystify the process of therapy a little in this article and provide some insights into how therapy for neurodivergence really can be life-changing.

Seeking Therapy

For anyone, seeking a counsellor can feel a little daunting. But if you’re neurodivergent it can feel even harder. Firstly there are so many options for what type of therapist you want. Once you’ve found someone suitable, you might have a deluge of questions about the therapist, their approach, the room you’ll be in, the seat you’ll sit in, the parking when you get there, what you’ll say etc, etc. You’ll likely be familiar with this stream of questions and worries (I know I am!), but when you are preparing to bare your soul with a relative stranger, these thoughts can reach a whole new level!

It’s important then that you feel able to ask your counsellor as many questions as you need to. Our neurodivergent need to prepare and plan can be met by a therapist who can give you clarity wherever you need it, whether that’s in the early stages, or throughout your time with them.

What Type of Therapy?

In my experience, neurodivergent clients tend to find certain types of counselling don’t work for them. Anxiety is a common theme around neurodivergence and a typical “go-to” therapy for anxiety is cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). Now, this is not to dismiss CBT as an approach, it can be really useful and I use elements of it with my clients. But as a standalone model, it can often miss the mark when it comes to neurodivergence. If you have fears around socialising, for example, the CBT model assumes that these fears are irrational. But with neurodivergence, these fears are often based on distressing past experiences and constant misunderstandings. Our underlying anxiety can actually be a symptom of our needs continually not being met in our environment. So being told that these fears are irrational can be invalidating for someone whose fears are very much rooted in reality.

So a flexible approach to therapy is key, one that takes into account societal pressures and the lack of understanding that many of us face alongside our personal struggles. Sadly of course we can’t change society through individual therapy, but we can work on identifying your needs, finding ways to voice them and building self-acceptance. With a good therapist who builds a trusting relationship with you, you’ll also be able to build more connection with your own emotions (where it previously may have felt unsafe to express them), gain greater self-awareness, and start to heal past traumas.

Common Challenges

There can be other challenges for a neurodivergent person seeking therapy. Many of us have used coping skills such as masking to get through life, and for many women and those assigned female at birth, as well as people with other marginalised identities, the way we have been socialised means that it is not safe to be ourselves. Masking is essentially hiding who you are and how you naturally act to appear more neurotypical and, as it is often unconscious, you might not have even realised this is what you were doing.

At some point when you were young you likely realised that it was not ok to just be yourself, and you started to suppress your natural urges and feelings. This, in turn, leads to a disconnect between what your mind/body is telling you, and what society tells you is “normal”. Over time masking can have a negative effect on your energy levels, your self-worth, and your overall sense of identity. It can also come into the therapy room, which isn’t surprising in such a potentially vulnerable space. But it can lead to you being preoccupied with pleasing the counsellor instead of being open and authentic, which can be a barrier to moving forward. An ND affirming and informed therapist will be knowledgeable about masking and will gently help you explore this.

Sometimes we can feel like everyone else seems to be able to cope with life and you end up feeling like you are the problem. You might label yourself as stupid, useless, difficult or lazy and carry these through your life. But these self-judgements are likely the result of comparing yourself to a (neurotypical) standard that doesn’t align with your particular way of thinking and being.  Understanding your life experiences through a neurodivergent lens can help to reduce that self-blame and increase compassion for yourself and an ND affirming counsellor can help you do just this.

What to Look For?

So what to look out for when choosing a counsellor? I think it’s key to a few people first, many therapists offer a free chat first so take them up on this.  Ask as many questions as you need, how do they respond to your needs? So for example, you might need fidget aids, different seating options or space to stim in the therapy room. Or perhaps you need to know about the type of lighting or the sounds around the room. If they’re not happy to talk you through their process or answer all your questions, they may not be the person for you.

I think that being heard and validated in a safe space is one of the most empowering things that counselling can do for a person.

“Therapy is powerful, but finding the right kind of therapy for you is transformative.”